it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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