Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
