1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
