I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
why do cheetos always look like penises
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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