so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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