the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
