Where is the hickey?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
