How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
