I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
