Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
