You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize