dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
