chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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