Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
