i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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