Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Come on in and take your pants off
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
