I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
