1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
did i just pee glitter
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
