I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I need to calm my uterus...
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
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