Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
