I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
