turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
In other news, I just burned my penis
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
