I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
