I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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