This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
This is my gift to your gina
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
