I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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