i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
