I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize