I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
