everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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