remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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