Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
everyone is single if you try hard enough
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
