I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
