I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
