I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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