I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
