Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Less talking, more tequila
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
