I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
