we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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