Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
