well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
