like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
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