Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
