saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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