Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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