You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize