whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
