I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
