Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Randomize
