Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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