I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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