Who wears a wallet chain?!
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize