I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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