I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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