i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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