i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize