We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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