i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
