i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Randomize
